In the Hand of Dante
2 journalers for this copy...
What bothers me the most about shit books is the reviews on the back. For instance about "Dante" some enlightened individual at GQ called Tosches "a writer of rare humanity." Let's allow Tosches himself to speak to that - a short quote from "Dante:"
"You know what's disgusting, though," he said. "Those broads in the street, in New York, who hold newspapers under their dogs' asses while the dog shits. That makes me wanna puke. Or you'll see some really good-lookin' piece of head walkin' by with a mutt on a leash, and you see that she's got a little plastic bag of dogshit in her hand. Man, it's disgusting."
His face contorted with revulsion. This was the first true emotion I had witnessed in him. and it was an emotion that I shared.
"Yeah," I said. "Dogshit broads."
"And the thing is, you don't always know. A broad might be a dogshit cunt, but you don't know unless you actually see her in the street with that bag of shit in her hand. Like maybe that good-lookin' bitch, that stewardess, on that Gulfstream. She could be strokin' your cock, and you wouldn't even know: it could be her dogshit hand."
"I just wanted to fuck her legs," I said. "That would've kept her hands out of the picture."
"You wanted to fuck her legs?"
"Yeah. I like fuckin' broads' legs. I mean, don't get me wrong, they got to be great legs. That broad, she had great legs."
"You're a sick fuck. But I'm sicker."
"What would you have done with her?"
"I was thinkin' about tyin' her up and pissin' on her. But that was probably only because I had to take a leak. Because after I took my leak, I wasn't thinkin' that no more. I was thinkin' about tyin' her up and holdin' a gun to her head and makin' her beg to suck my cock."
"Do you do that a lot?"
Louie raised his hand slightly and turned it waveringly a few times.
"This leg thing," he said. "Is the hosiery on or off?"
"Oh, on. Definitely on."
"I can see that," he said.
"You still think it's strange?"
"Ah, this is a strange fuckin' world. But I'll tell you one thing. Anybody who knowingly has any kinda physical contact with a dogshit broad is definitely fuckin' sick. A guy that fucks a stiff, he ain't nothin' compared to a guy that holds hands with a dogshit broad."
"You ever do that, fuck a stiff?"
"I thought about it. We're talkin' broad stiffs here - I don't go that other route. Anyway, yeah, I thought about it. I mean, I look at it this way: they're quiet [oh! this must be that "rare humanity" to which GQ was referring]. No bullshit, no nothin'. I jerked off one time on a broad stiff. God, she was pretty. Like a fuckin' angel, except for the hole I put through the side of her head. And a few times I took their underwear.
"What'd you do with it?"
"What would you do with it? I used it to jerk off. I ain't gonna wear no dead broad's underwear, I can tell you that much. Besides, I only take their underwear once in a blue moon, when they're real dolls; and a good-lookin' broad, her underwear would never fit me. And there ain't many good-lookin' broads I get sent out to do, anyway."
He looked away wistfully, through the little window, into the clouds.
I've never come across a book that I couldn't finish because I simply did not want to know what happened. I've read books that are boring. I've read books that are offensive. I've read books that are predictable. I've read books that made me really, really want to see something good happen to the main characters. I've never read a book that made me just not want to know. At all. I didn't stop reading this book because I gave up wading through the boring bits. I stopped reading it because I didn't want to know how it ends. That's not a good sign, Mr. Tosches. That's very bad. If there's one thing a book should do, whether the characters are likeable or not, it's make the reader want to find out what happens to them. But after reading one page, I just didn't want to turn the next. Because I stopped believing that there'd be anything better on it.
This is the worst book I've ever read. I've never said that before. And I've read "Deception Point" by Dan Brown!
It's not linear. I get it. So I'm low brow for not liking it. It's not linear. And it's not good. Shame on you, GQ. You should always read the book you're supposed to review.
By the way, Mr. Tosches, you're not even right about your biblical revelations. I've read some of the bible. And my (English) translation says "us." Genesis 1:26. Let us make man in our image.
"You know what's disgusting, though," he said. "Those broads in the street, in New York, who hold newspapers under their dogs' asses while the dog shits. That makes me wanna puke. Or you'll see some really good-lookin' piece of head walkin' by with a mutt on a leash, and you see that she's got a little plastic bag of dogshit in her hand. Man, it's disgusting."
His face contorted with revulsion. This was the first true emotion I had witnessed in him. and it was an emotion that I shared.
"Yeah," I said. "Dogshit broads."
"And the thing is, you don't always know. A broad might be a dogshit cunt, but you don't know unless you actually see her in the street with that bag of shit in her hand. Like maybe that good-lookin' bitch, that stewardess, on that Gulfstream. She could be strokin' your cock, and you wouldn't even know: it could be her dogshit hand."
"I just wanted to fuck her legs," I said. "That would've kept her hands out of the picture."
"You wanted to fuck her legs?"
"Yeah. I like fuckin' broads' legs. I mean, don't get me wrong, they got to be great legs. That broad, she had great legs."
"You're a sick fuck. But I'm sicker."
"What would you have done with her?"
"I was thinkin' about tyin' her up and pissin' on her. But that was probably only because I had to take a leak. Because after I took my leak, I wasn't thinkin' that no more. I was thinkin' about tyin' her up and holdin' a gun to her head and makin' her beg to suck my cock."
"Do you do that a lot?"
Louie raised his hand slightly and turned it waveringly a few times.
"This leg thing," he said. "Is the hosiery on or off?"
"Oh, on. Definitely on."
"I can see that," he said.
"You still think it's strange?"
"Ah, this is a strange fuckin' world. But I'll tell you one thing. Anybody who knowingly has any kinda physical contact with a dogshit broad is definitely fuckin' sick. A guy that fucks a stiff, he ain't nothin' compared to a guy that holds hands with a dogshit broad."
"You ever do that, fuck a stiff?"
"I thought about it. We're talkin' broad stiffs here - I don't go that other route. Anyway, yeah, I thought about it. I mean, I look at it this way: they're quiet [oh! this must be that "rare humanity" to which GQ was referring]. No bullshit, no nothin'. I jerked off one time on a broad stiff. God, she was pretty. Like a fuckin' angel, except for the hole I put through the side of her head. And a few times I took their underwear.
"What'd you do with it?"
"What would you do with it? I used it to jerk off. I ain't gonna wear no dead broad's underwear, I can tell you that much. Besides, I only take their underwear once in a blue moon, when they're real dolls; and a good-lookin' broad, her underwear would never fit me. And there ain't many good-lookin' broads I get sent out to do, anyway."
He looked away wistfully, through the little window, into the clouds.
I've never come across a book that I couldn't finish because I simply did not want to know what happened. I've read books that are boring. I've read books that are offensive. I've read books that are predictable. I've read books that made me really, really want to see something good happen to the main characters. I've never read a book that made me just not want to know. At all. I didn't stop reading this book because I gave up wading through the boring bits. I stopped reading it because I didn't want to know how it ends. That's not a good sign, Mr. Tosches. That's very bad. If there's one thing a book should do, whether the characters are likeable or not, it's make the reader want to find out what happens to them. But after reading one page, I just didn't want to turn the next. Because I stopped believing that there'd be anything better on it.
This is the worst book I've ever read. I've never said that before. And I've read "Deception Point" by Dan Brown!
It's not linear. I get it. So I'm low brow for not liking it. It's not linear. And it's not good. Shame on you, GQ. You should always read the book you're supposed to review.
By the way, Mr. Tosches, you're not even right about your biblical revelations. I've read some of the bible. And my (English) translation says "us." Genesis 1:26. Let us make man in our image.
Journal Entry 2 by Cardboardboots at Marina in Port Colborne, Ontario Canada on Thursday, June 28, 2007
RELEASE NOTES:
Don't read this book.
Don't read this book.
read the first 73 pages and discovered it was nothing but a garbage collection of swear words and quotes. did not read any further but was very hesitant to pass it on to be read. Decided to release it on a lucky day 07-07-07 at Boat ramp at Sherman's point, Napanee Ontario in the washroom.
