My good friend Fanny recommended the Neil Clark Warren (founder of eharmony) book “Date of Soul Mate.” I’ve never done eharmony and at this point, not planning to, but the book had a few sections that she wanted me to read. The book had been helpful to her, especially the section on creating a list of the top ten must haves/can’t stands in a potential partner. Over the years, I have fallen into the trap of meeting lots of very nice guys, who have not met my needs and it probably was because I had no idea what I even wanted. I also overlooked issues that were fundamental because I liked other qualities in the men that I was dating. This has lead to lots of good times, but nothing that has lasted. I don’t know how helpful this list will ultimately become, but it has helped me realize some trouble spots in previous relationships and hopefully will be a guide in the future. It’s a bit imperfect, probably could use some tweaking, but after a great deal of thought, here is the list, with verbage taken from the book, not my own.

Must Have
1. Communicator – I must have someone who is good at both talking and listening.
2. Sense of Humor- I must have someone who is sharp and who can enjoy the humorous side of life.
3. Verbal Intimacy – I must know that my partner likes sharing his deepest emotional thoughts and desires.
4. Strong Character- I must have a partner who is honest and strong enough to do the right thing.
5. Kind – I must have a partner who is gentle and kind.
6. Patient- I must have someone who can handle life’s frustrations or momentary setbacks with a patient, steady demeanor.
7. Conflict Resolver- I must have a partner who will work to resolve rather than win arguments or conflicts in our relationship.
8. Exciting – I must have a partner who isn’t afraid to take a risk and who sees life as an adventure.
9. Emotionally Healthy – I must have a partner who is emotionally healthy and able to share a stable life with someone.
10. Adaptable- I must have a partner who is able to adapt to life’s surprises.

Can’t Stands
1. Cynical- I can’t stand someone who generally sees the world from a cynical perspective
2. Angry- I can’t stand someone who can’t manage their own anger, who yells or bottles it up inside.
3. Denying- I can’t stand someone who is unable to accept blame or see fault is his own actions.
4. Worrying- I can’t stand someone who easily looses perspective and constantly worries.
5. Hypocrites – I can’t stand someone who holds a double standard for his actions and those of other people.
6. Victim Mentality- I can’t stand someone who continually sees himself as a victim.
7. Childish- I can’t stand someone who is not emotionally mature.
8. Judgmental- I can’t stand someone who finds fault with everyone and everything.
9. Undependable- I can’t stand someone who fails to come through and is unreliable.
10. Arrogant- I can’t stand someone who is obnoxiously cocky.
I thought that this little exercise was the most value that the book had to offer, although I think that perhaps making a list is easier than it actually is to find a person who meets these qualities!
The other point that I thought was well made in the book was focusing on finding a person who is generally more similar to you, rather than the whole opposites attract.
I also want to add that I had a lot of bias that I had to set aside going into this book, especially with Warren constantly touting himself as a psychologist. Having him calling himself an “expert” due to being a psychologist made me put my radar up the entire book. I am highly suspicious of psychologists, but that being said, I think that Warren offered some solid advice and portions of this book are worth a read. I’m glad that my friend recommended this book.